| 23 June 2011
The day is finally here. The day where fans of woe-begotten NBA franchises can dream of a brighter future. The NBA Draft is taking place tonight, but if you've been too busy living your life to properly study up on the top prospects coming out of Azerbaijan or Kazakhstan, we've got your covered. Here's our 2011 NBA Draft Cheat Sheet.
Overall Draft Rating (expressed as degree of hotness of Mexican hot sauce, ie. mild is the worst): Mild (might as well put ketchup on your burrito, wussy).
Projected Top Five Picks:
1) Cleveland - Kyrie Irving, Duke: His name sounds like he's an Australian pop star, but rather Kyrie Irving is the best prospect in this weak draft. He might not be a superstar ever, but he's got All-Star point guard potential and probably won't ever announce that he is "taking his talents" anywhere.
2) Minnesota - Derrick Williams, Arizona: Dynamic combo forward who has been compared to Michael Beasley (minus the Super Cool Beas nickname, the tattoos, the hairdo, the Twitter pictures allegedly showing a bag of weed on his table, the eccentricities...)
3) Utah - Enes Kanter, N/A: The best big man prospect in the Draft, he didn't even play last season after being ruled ineligible at Kentucky (I know - shocking that John Calipari would recruit a player who might cause problems with NCAA compliance).
4) Cleveland - Jonas Valanciunas, Lithuania: A long, athletic, skilled 7-footer. Disclaimer: Jonas Valanciunas has no affiliation with the Jonas Brothers or Disney, nor does he wear a promise ring. Your daughters are not safe with The Lithuanian Love Machine.
5) Toronto - Brandon Knight, Kentucky: A highly skilled, athletic guard with good size who is still learning to be a point guard. After shooting 33% and turning the ball over almost four times a game in the NCAA Tournament, he showed he was NBA ready.
Best Mormon in the draft with the first name 'Jimmer': Jimmer Fredette
Best Mormon in the draft with the first name 'Jimmer' who will be a lottery pick but whose best case NBA scenario is that of a career role player: Jimmer Fredette
Number of players drafted who are older than David Stern (68): 1
Number of players drafted who are older than David Stern and are named Bismack Biyombo: 1
Chances that a player drafted will look cuter than Ricky Rubio did on draft night: Nil - no one is cuter than that cutie pie Ricky Rubio
Chances that a player drafted will be more fresh and more clean than Samaki Walker was on draft night: See answer above for Ricky Rubio (minus the cute part)
Number of players who will announce after they are picked that they can play a position on the court in the NBA that they have no business ever playing: 60
Number of times the word "upside" will be uttered by ESPN's announcing crew on draft night: 9,628
Player's name who we hope and pray that David Stern mispronounces: Hopefully he pronounces the E's in Enes Kanter's first name as an A and U, respectively. Yes, we are immature - how did you guess?
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